Sunday, August 30, 2015

VMAs Best of the Red Carpet 2015

I remember looking forward to the VMAs when I was a teen. I loved seeing all the *Zany* antics of my favorite famous people, and seeing the *Edgy* clothing that they would wear. 
Then for a month afterward, MTV would play the VMA show over and over and over again, and so I'd sit there for 3... 6... 9... 12 hours, soaking in the late 1990s fabulousness. 

We always had the nakedness at the VMAs:
Lil Kim in 1999 in her little purple pasty, letting her gravity-defying titty shine like a celebrity of it's own. 

Rose McGowan in 1998 taking the "Naked Dress" concept... literal AF. 
I think I remember being actually shocked by this at the time.

But now nudity & exposed body parts are so ho-hum:

here's Miley at the 2015 VMAs tonight!
Maybe it's because I worked in health-care and modeling and now have little kids, I just am not phased by the exposure of skin any more. I actually appreciate more fabric on the body because of the skill and handiwork of the art of making actual garments.

Also, remember when Miley looked like this?
LOLOL what a sweet little honey.

I thought at the VMAs tonight we were going to see the parade of starlets and singers and Disney Darlings in tons of bandage dresses, but I figured out JUST TONIGHT that the CROP SET is the *new* BANDAGE DRESS!! It REALLY IS! SEE!

Amanda Steele wore this shining example:
it's cute, shows that you don't eat carbs. Belly is the new Ass because Ass was the new Boobs?

The hands-down most impressive thing I saw at the VMAs tonight was Taylor Swift's flock of truly flawless women:
 Like how many publicists had to work how many decades to get this together?
WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

Also, I'm glad that Tay decided to wear this bizarre harlequin trapeze rider outfit so as to not to upstage all the extreme beauty on display:
This crop set (SEE CROP SET!!) is by Ashish. There is some kind of FreeMason's type secrecy and mind-control strategy at play. I just know it.

Gigi even split her entire dress up the front before showtime:
Taylor's all like SHAKE IT OFF GIGI.
#YOLO #squadgoals

Amber Rose brought one #squad member, Blac Chyna:
And if I was a gambler (which I am) I would put my money on Amber's squad for a wide variety of tasks and challenges. I just love Amber, I think she's so beautiful, and always repping the ladies with short hair. She & Blac Chyna could definitely slalom a Ducati through the streets of LA, figure out a series of riddles or wield swords better than Taylor's Crew. I just know it.

Then poor Tori Kelly shows up alone:
Doesn't she look flabbergasted?
"Why am I here by myself? Is this even allowed anymore? Who am I going to fight crimes with?"
So sad.

Hopefully by the VMAs next year she can get a squad together, let's see, who's available...?

                                                                -Adam West?

                                                         -Chloe Sevigny?
                                          Oooh, she'd be my pick.

                                                              Or maybe Charo?

I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

So what are your favorite VMA moments from over the years??  Hit me up on twitter @readydressedgo

Sunday, August 16, 2015

Teen Choice Awards 2015 - Best of the Blue Carpet

 The Teen Choice Awards is always a great place to see some *cute* *fun* fashion. Like the type of fashion that you can describe with Emojis only.

Like Bella Thorne here:
 This look is obviously "Happy Face with Heart Shaped Eyes".
This girl is looking fabulous. I always thought of Bella Thorne as kind of one of those ingenues that will not really amount to anything and go down in a fiery blaze of bath salts & self-tanner, but I feel like she looks and is carrying herself like a REAL STAR here! Go Lady Go!! I believe that Johnny Wujek styles her, and I really think his clothing selections are putting her on a A-List trajectory. Johnny is a Detroit-area native, which means he's got moxie and swagger for days and doesn't take crap from anyone aka AMAZING CLOTHING SELECTION ABILITY.

Rowan Blanchard, who is an actual teen:
looks so dorbs in her dress and Vans slip-ons.
Some people were critical of this, but hell, she's a little girl, I don't want to see her in stilettos! WEAR THOSE VANS FOR AS LONG AS YOU CAN. Her dress reminds me of something my daughter would choose to wear, and my girl happens to be the World's Most Talented 7 Year Old Wardrobe Stylist.
Yeah, there were other similar age girls at the Teen Choice Awards in Herve' Leger-esque bandage dress crap, it does not impress me. I do not need to see the exact outline of a woman's body, I have one, I can just look in the mirror.

Gorgeous Model Robyn Lawley wERQing this lacey-butterup confection:
I'm glad THIS LADY is in heels, because she's 6'2'' and I just think it's so lame when laydeez 6 foot and over (such as myself) decline to wear the leg-enhancing footwear just so they can appear "not too tall". Because there's still this ridiculous thought going around that women should be shorter than men, which is completely without any fact or merit other than misogyny and oppression to females. 

So who did you think was best dressed at the TEEN CHOICE AWARDS? 

Friday, August 14, 2015

Field Guide to Mackinac Island

I just spent the week on Michigan's Crown Jewel, and by that I do not mean DownRiver... but MACKINAC ISLAND

'tis a beautiful island, full of gorgeous flora & fauna. I was thinking of making it my home... but then I remembered that winter comes, and REARS IT'S UGLY BEAST-LIKE NEGATIVE 40 DEGREE HEAD 4+ months out of the year.

So instead I'll just visit in the summer.

It's an interesting place, and reminds me of the Cape Cod of my youth.
EXCEPT, that there are not man-eating sharks roaming the waters. Which is awesome.

Like Cape Cod, Mackinac Island is loved by White People.
So I thought I'd put together a little field guide to help make your future trip to Mackinac Island even more enjoyable than it would be.

Many of the tourists you will see on Mackinac Island are the mid/upper-class Families.

Mom will have a Vera Bradley purse:
Dad will be wearing a North Face long-sleeve T shirt:
Well we are in the North of Michigan so this is appropriate.

and the kids will be wearing "Mackinac Island" souvenir shirts just in case they forget where they are:

Also did I tell you? There are no cars on Mackinac Island, so you must travel by either bike, horse, rickshaw, piggy-back ride or hang-glider.

Because of this basically the horses run the island.
"Do not cross me, Human."

The horses only work pulling carriages and carrying riders for 4 hours a day, every other day. The rest of their time is spent playing croquet & sipping champagne on the Grand Hotel lawn.
It's a pretty luxe life.

There is Fort Mackinac and several historical buildings portraying colonial life between the Native Americans and the British, but alas in this day and age, not a Native American person to be found.
I found this to be curious.

there are however tons of beautiful people from the island of Jamaica
whom I tended to befriend and love.

I guess I can understand this? Jamaica is a gorgeous island paradise and so is Mackinac Island? So actually that makes sense.
I wish that there was Jamaican reggae being played in proportion to the amount of Jamaican people on the island, because the only live-music I found there was Square Dance Music:
and the Square Dance caller was HARD-FUCKING-CORE. He called me out several times for crappy technique. IT WAS MY FIRST TIME ASSHOLE!

I think what I liked best about Mackinac Island was the beautiful water and the shores;
And I can't wait to dip my toes in those clear beautiful waves next year.

Saturday, August 8, 2015

Win a Ready... Dressed... PREZZIE!!!!!

Can you believe I've handed out 1,000 of these things??


But I'm down to my last couple "business" cards, and I'm thinking that I need something new.

First off, NOT ONE PERSON in 3 years has EVER submitted an outfit photo, and honestly, who the hell would, that's so narcissistic and weird.
well... this guy would.

So I'm looking for something original and hilarious to put on the card.

I actually like my logo:
which i designed #graphicdesignFTW

but I'd like some clever text, and I KNOW that the people that read my blog are the MOST COMEDIC GENIUSES IN THE WORLD.

So I challenge you, dear readers... Come up with something to put on my business card, and whomever comes up with the most awesome, ridiculous concept GETS A PRIZE FROM ME!

I was browsing the interwebs for ideas:
I really like this. Nice work, Barton.

I definitely saw what Sarah did here:
 but yeah, it's memorable and cute.

Homer's card is amazing:
 I wonder if there are a lot of sketchy politics in the Plus-Size Butt Model industry.

This is a classic, and I know no fewer than 4 men my dad's age that have this card:
But it's great! Everyone smiles! It's a win x 10^zillionth power

So think of 3 or 4 lines for my business card and I'll send y'all some bad-ass shit! That's a pretty simple challenge!!
Email your ideas to me at readydressedgo@gmail.com or tweet them to me @readydressedgo

What could your prize be, you ask???

DIAMONDS?

GOLD?

possibly...

But probably more like, PRICELESS ART MADE BY ME, COOOOOL DETROIT SWAG, OR DELECTABLE HANDMADE BODY TREATMENTS 

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

ESPYs 2015 Red Carpet Regatta of Ravishingness

 I was an NCAA top ten athlete back in the day, and so although I've dabbled in the modeling arts, I still first and foremost consider myself a SPORTY ACTION GAL.

The ESPYs cracks me up every year because these beautiful goddess-like denizens always show up in body-con dresses fit for Daytona Beach spring break.

When you're a Sports Star, don't you have access to good fashion? Or at least a stylist?

This year was a little different though; although we did see the horrid out-of-style-for-a-decade bandage dresses, we did see some Athletes looking FLY AS HELL!

Check it out:

Ciara (in Elie Saab) & Russell Wilson who apparently don't have sex
They are both genetic lottery winners, and them being together is almost too much to take. One of them should take it down a notch and disfigure themself so we don't feel so bad.
 I love a man in a suit that isn't grey, navy, black or brown... So high fives for going with this delicious aubergine color, Russell. Are they matching kind of? Like people do at Prom? Oh god, I'm just going to look away from that fact.

Marquette King in Party City
At least he didn't wear anything boring. When I show this to my son tomorrow he will declare Marquette BEST DRESSED. I'm very impressed with the junk-area airbrushing. LOL.
We've seen this before, people. He wants to be photographed. Mission Accomplished.

Danica Patrick in Rainforest Cafe wallpaper (actually Matthew Williamson)
To me this dress looks approximately 15 years out of style. She's a beautiful lady, I'd love to have seen her in something sleek and sexy, even a Roberto Cavalli print. But that's ok, because she can go to Costa Rica in this and slip through the underbrush like a ghost.

DeSean Jackson
I like how he's singlehandedly keeping the Manpri trend afloat. From the ankles up this looks like something my 70 year old neighbor would wear to brunch.
But really, I think DeSean looks good, and although I think I had a pair of similar shoes by Diesel in the 1990s, I think he's serving up his genuine self and that's just fine by me.

Ali Krieger
This gown is beautiful and modern and shows off her toned physique oh so well. Cheers, honey. The color is gorgeous on her skin too.

Amy Purdy
Oh my god! What a beauty and with TWO prosthetic legs! Wow, I love the "high heel shoe" prosthetic feet she's rocking. My goodness, way to exude confidence and love and happiness! She looks gorgeous too, i love this cute sparkly dress. and I have mad respect for her choice to celebrate her legs just the way they are. So great.

Justise Winslow
 Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm hunnay. I like this. Dapper, tailored to perfection, pop of color, french cuffs, he is *SLAM DUNKING* (see what I did there?) the fashion competition with this look. I'm sure it's tough to get a good fit when you're 6'6'', that's why god made alterations people and marvelous tailors.

Christen Press
 This lady is my best dressed of the evening. I love the simplicity of this gown and how it shapes and showcases her Athena-esque physique to perfection. We don't need to gild the lily when dressing an athletic body, it's beautiful in itself, so just put something on it that highlights the toned abs, and the strong leggies, like this!

Sports Illuminati, thank you for putting yourselves out there tonight fashion-wise and stepping out of your Adidas tracksuit (HEY THAT'S WHAT I'M WEARING RIGHT NOW!) for one night. You all looked marvelous!

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Youth in a Jar, Compact, or Push-Up Stick

I'm 35 now, and truth be told, I totally notice changes in the skin on my face.

My shit be DRY.
Sahara dry.

and dry skin looks old and wrinkly, like this:

So when my friend Audrey of the AMAZING COSMETICS BLOG "Cremes Come True" told me I should be using more CREME formulas of things, not POWDERS, I thought, "crap, I have exclusively been using powder blush, maybe cream blush will make me look like this:
"

So i took myself to Ulta. 

I ended up getting 2 products:

Stila Convertible Color in Petunia


and Tarte Cheek Stain in TRUE LOVE (100% because of the name, how can you not love)

I've always fancied myself as a kind of **Makeup Aficionado**, I can do the false lashes, I can fucking rock out a liquid cat-eye no problem... But HOLY HELL getting the hang of this creme blush is like CALC 4.

So when you apply it correctly it is supposed to look like this:
See, dewy... lovely... healthy and youthful....

But when I applied it to my own face, it looked something much more like this:
not quite the look I was going for.

I BRAVELY STAYED THE COURSE, and tried to wear the Stila Convertible Color to work even! Where a toothless patron complemented me on my "makeup" and when I went to the restroom later I realized I had a shiny glow across most of my face that looked like I had been mountaineering.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong! I'm a artist, PEOPLE!
I think it's just a medium that I'm unfamiliar with. I can get powder blush to hit and lay exactly like I want it. But this creme seems to have a mind of it's own.

I have been applying it with my finger like this:
But maybe I should try a brush?

I really want to make this work, because I want to have that YOUTHFUL SPRINGY GLOW we all yearn for! So if you have any tips or tricks let me know!