Saturday, December 13, 2014

A Square Peg in a Round Holiday Hole

I have a non-traditional Family situation...

Which makes conversations around this time of year so much fun...

Random person: "How was your Thanksgiving?"

Me: "Um, I stayed home & took a nap."

Random person: "OH MY GOD! THAT'S SO SAD!! DON'T YOU HAVE FAMILY!? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? I'M CRYING!? THIS IS SO FUCKED UP! I CAN'T STAND IT!"

Blah Blah Blah.
Yeah, I could lie. I could say, "OH IT WAS SO WONDERFUL, THE TURKEY WAS JOYFULLY MOIST." But that's not me. I'd rather be honest. We can't live a lie. My story is my life, I wouldn't change it for anything no matter how bizarre it is.

It would be one thing if I didn't have kids. But I do, and so I have to try to fit them into this bizarre amoebic holiday construct, and make sure that they enjoy it, and feel that it fulfills their child-view of a "GOOD" holiday. Or at least that is what I'm thinking in my brain. 

I know I place a lot of pressure on myself in this. and I feel constant guilt. It SUCKS that I can't just have the perfect Hallmark holiday card family dinners for them! 

On Thanksgiving I was scrolling through my Instagram, seeing everyone gathered around a table like this having a wonderful time and I just couldn't help thinking... WHAT DID I DO WRONG. 

For Christmas, I want that little gramma and grandpa making cookies with the kids:

But it just isn't to be. 

I have to embrace what I DO have. and not mourn what I do not. 

There's nothing I can do to change my situation, and YOU KNOW WHAT!? I have the most wonderful children in the whole world, and all I'm going to do is love them with all my heart and roll through these waves of weirdness with them!
MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS!

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Marsala - Polarizing Pantone Color of the Year

As soon as "Marsala" was crowned the Pantone Color of the Year for 2015, people round the world starting hating on it with a vengeance:
Pantone says that this color above, is "The color of chocolate, or a robust and earthy wine." I personally do not see that. Maybe if you added a couple drops of coffee cream to a glass of merlot? and I certainly have never seen a chocolate that color. 

I've been laughing my ass off because to the fashion press it seems that the hue of "Marsala" is any color on the spectrum between: 

a light creamy Dusty Rose

and the deep Burgundy Chanel "Vamp"

I mean check this out, I pulled this from an actual "Let's look at the Stars wearing Marsala" article:
Are ANY of these dresses the color of the chip at the top of the page??? Maybe Kaley Cuoco's?

I'll give creative license, there can be a range. But I think the main elements of the actual "Marsala" color are a deep creamy brown-y rose.
LIKE THESE THINGS:

Isn't this an awesome rug?
I feel like the marsala tone brings warmth to the room. A homeyness.

The Marsala chip also reminded me of that classic 1990s lipstick color we all wore:
 How awesome does Cindy look here!? I love it.

Actually the blush that I wear on a daily basis is pretty much *spot-on* "Marsala"

But Ulta calls it "Sunkissed".
I think I'd rather look Sunkissed than having swaths of italian wine on my face.

I was talking to some fellow color loving friends and my girl Erin said she loves the Marsala color with bright blues:
Oooh that does look nice doesn't it!?

I pulled these color palettes and YEAH I am totally digging it with the brights:
ESPECIALLY the coral!

So I think the color can work. and yeah, like anyone really breaks their back to incorporate the "color of the year" into their wardrobe anyways... Did you all go out and RUSH TO THE STORES to get EVERYTHING in "Radiant Orchid" last year??

I didn't think so.
FIN

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

The Victoria's Secret Fashion Show 2014!! With a big ol crap in it's salad. :-)

Because I like to brag about how fancy i am... as a member of the FASHION PRESS ILLUMINATI *I* got to watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show last tuesday when it was filmed... Neee Nerrrr...
Ohhhh how cheery and cheeky they are. I bet they poop rainbows. 

So I've been sitting on these photos for a week, prepping to do a post on "The Victoria's Secret Angels that are Moms", like Alessandra Ambrosio, who has carried and squirted out 2 children:

Isabeli Fontana, who has given birth to 2 little boys:

And Lily Aldridge who has a little girl named Dixie. I bet Lily is amped for her daughter to be on national TV in her skivvies some day:

But I kind of severely dislike Victoria's Secret. I don't like their bras. I think it's weird that our collective societal image of women's breasts these days is equivalent to two spheres glued right under the collarbones...

Real natural women's bewbs don't look like that, trust me. Ask a lady to flash you, right now, DO IT.

I just found out they make padded bras for men now too!
LOL! Yes! Equality!

I do remember the days though when I was in high school and it was very very cool to have that "victoria's secret" underpants waistband peeking out of the top of your jeans. My friends and i thought we were so chic and mature walking into that smelly pink store and going through the bins of $8.50 cotton underwear, which happen to be made by underpaid kids in Sri Lanka!

And then I just read that the cotton is also acquired from "Fair Trade/Organic" Farms in Africa which also use children (who are abused in the fields) for harvesting the cotton bolls!? WHAT!

Sadsies, that really takes away from the glitz and glam of the fashion show. At least for me. 

They should have the Victoria's Secret Model Angels get out in the factories for a 16 hour shift in a crowded indian warehouse without any breaks. How would Karlie Kloss do with that?
I'm thinking she wouldn't enjoy that too much. 

I'm not trying to be a "Debby Downer", but let's just try to keep our Trillion Dollar Commercial Spectaculars in perspective. 

So from now on I'm going to spin textiles from the cat hair that's collected in the corners of my house and make my thongs out of that! CRUELTY FREE, BITCHES! 
MEEEEOOOOOOW!

Monday, December 8, 2014

Modeling with Body Issues - a dark comedy

February 2013 I did the Mandarendare Fashion Show at Oakland University looking like this:
Sure, I look all perfect and "model-y", but for my athletic frame, being 115 lbs at 6 foot tall was not healthy.
I just didn't eat. I survived on granola bars and diet coke. I wasn't doing it for vanity necessarily, I just wanted to be the best runway walker out there, and decided that despite my mesomorphic body type, I was going to whittle myself down to a Jamie Bochert size 2:

I continued to do a couple more runway modeling shows, and then my liver decided to basically explode, putting me down for weeks and allowing me to re-evaluate my life: for my beautiful children, for my health, for happiness.

But you've all heard this story before, I've told it a million times.

I heard about the Viva La Moda show from my lovely friend Eva, and I thought, "Wow, I haven't done this for awhile, I just got a new artificial shoulder, THIS SOUNDS LIKE FUN!" I can do this, I won't fall into my old ways!

I didn't tell any of my friends, because I knew they've seen me fall for these same triggers time and time again. I think my friend Martha has watched me starve myself nearly to death about 7 times over the course of our friendship. I have no idea why I do this. I think it's my addiction, something i may have to fight for the rest of my life? My god I hope not.

So I walked into the Viva La Moda call time looking like this:
I don't know what I weigh, because I don't do that. And I have no idea what size I am, because all my clothes are vintage or at least 15 years old so I'm not sure which version of vanity sizing was being used at that time.

I'm having a hard time looking at the photos from this night because I see a sort of failure in the preparation of my physique. I'm 35 and I've had 2 children, but for some reason I hold myself to some impossible standard of perfection that I only think exists in my mind.
My feelings only got more detrimental when we started fitting looks backstage. A designer who I had worked with before (when I was very thin) had brought a dress for me, and when I tried it on, i couldn't fit my boobs into it. She was like, "WHAT!? YOU DIDN'T HAVE THOSE BEFORE!"
nope, i didn't.
It was literally like this: LOL

AND THEN..... I was fitted for a cute baby doll top by a designer that I adore, he is just a wonderful soul, Michael Lavas:

and as I was waiting to walk THE ZIPPER POPPED OPEN IN THE BACK! Just like Mariah Carey in her Versace:
People kept trying to fix it, it kept coming down. and then the COUPE DE GRACE was that during the "rapid fire" final walk... the zipper popped right as I turned my back to the audience at the end of the runway. OMFG.
CAN. YOU. BELIEVE. IT.

But it wasn't all Self-Loathing and embarrassment....

I had my makeup done in a really fun colorful way:

I got to have finger waves put in my hair, which I've wanted to try ever since I cut all of my hair off:

Also I got to spend time with friends I hadn't seen in awhile, like the gorgeous & talented Tremél:

Wear pretty clothes and hats and jewelry by Breeziway:

And channel my inner Naomi Campbell if just for one more night:

So in light of all of these facts I would like to announce my formal retirement from modeling. The streets are going to be my runway from now on, and dancing in front of my mirror in silly clothes with my daughter will be my photo shoot.
Hopefully by doing this all that brain drama will end, because ain't nobody got time for that.
Yep. I just brought it back.

Monday, December 1, 2014

British Fashion Awards - Red Carpet 2014

Many of the best fashion designers are British, I mean there's Vivienne Westwood, Alexander McQueen, Stella McCartney, TopShop... ha ha, jk.
So the BRITISH FASHION AWARDS are going to bring a TOTAL BALLER red carpet game.

Rihanna was so excited to get here that she forgot her pants... and shirt, and wore her dad's velvet smoking jacket.
Hey Ri! No need to rush! There's always time for you. Next time you go ahead and make sure you get all your clothes on before you dash out the door. 

Joan Smalls looked sensationally smokin in this black cut-out dress. 
Joan is just such a stunner. She always dresses so well.

Love of my life, David Gandy, was at the Awards.
My god could he look any more perfect?

Taylor Swift's 6 foot tall Bestie wore a shiny satin column:
 Which I enjoy far more from the back (twss). I'm loving Karlie Kloss' new tousled blonde waves.
FACT: She ate 0 Karlie's Kookies on the way to this show.

Cara Delevingne wore ho-hum Burberry... and won Model of the Year

Her sister Poppy said, "You won't upstage me! GODDAMMIT!"
 And chose a dress with a totally sheer skirt.

Suki Waterhouse did not bring Bradley Cooper...
But she did serve up some "raised eyebrow" and a bizarrely casual handbag. For some reason I am really digging her look, it looks ultra-Brit to me.