Thursday, July 17, 2014

Now... The ESPYs 2014 BEST of the Red Carpet!!

Yes, i know I started out my ESPYs fashion journey by serving up a giant helping of haterade... 

BUT, now i'm ready to show you who SLAYED at this Celebration of Athletics!!

THE OLYMPIC GOLD MEDAL WINNERS IN FASHION:

Amy Purdy - Snowboarder & she has TWO prosthetic lower legs!
 She's wearing Mac Duggal, who I found is a Pageant/Prom Dress manufacturer. She looks STUNNING. I mean, what a gorgeous woman, and fabulous athlete. I love how she *showed off* her prosthetic with the slit, this is a lady that is comfortable in her skin and is living life to the fullest. I'm in love with her!

Cameron Diaz - Needy Extrovert
I don't usually like Cameron's choices, but I like this Reed Krakoff dress. it's cut and draped beautifully, looks stunning on her. Also, I am usually anti-black dress ( i think they're boring) but the sheen of this silk (?) lends a grace of movement, a fluidity of shape, and interest.

Chrissy Teigen - Genetic Lottery Winner 
 i LOVE this jumpsuit! I just did a post on jumpsuits! See it here! (click here)
Chrissy's Elisabetta Franchi ensemb is just perfection. Yes, we see a lot of her chest, however the rest of her stunning body is covered up so the balance is there. The tailoring on this is just perfect. I love the louche pant-cuffs and the little butterfly belt detail. I want this thing so bad I might even *jump* Chrissy for it!! <see what I did there!?>

Kevin Durant - Fabulous Basketball Artiste'
I love a man in a slim-cut suit. And when you're 6'10'' having that flawless fit has to be a challenge. I mean, yeah, i know this was cut just for him. But what a novel color combo. The emerald color of the jacket is slightly muted, and looks lovely against his skin-tone. The pants are fantastic. And topping it off the bow tie & glasses just make him the MVP of the Universe, not just the NBA.
PS- and I love that he loves his mom

Lolo Jones - Hurdling Specialist & Bobsled Engine
Oooooh Lady Lady Lady. Lady in Red. I think Lolo is my favorite of the night. See this is EXACTLY what I was talking about in my previous post when i said I WANT to celebrate these amazing chiseled bodies these women have carved out for themselves! The arms, so amaze. The abs, breathtaking. The leggies, out of this world. My only complaint would be that I think the top should be a *tiny bit* more fitted. But other than that, she sprinted herself to sartorial STARDOM!

 Richard Sherman - Guardian of Wide Receivers, and Guardian of Suit Excellence
isn't it just a bit too much that Richard Sherman is good-looking, awesome at football, AND HAS GREAT TASTE IN FASHION? it's just not really fair.
I love this Three-Piece Suit, with a sumptuous jacket in the perfect shade of Glen Plaid. The whole outfit is very tonal, and I think it's interesting that he chose (or someone chose for him) the ecru dress shirt, but it really makes the vest pop. Well done, Love.

See i can play nice! I love my Beautiful Athletes!

Our Hallowed Athletes dressing like Basic Club Bitches on ESPYs 2014 Red Carpet

I LURVE the ESPYs, since I have a *sports obsessed* husband, I know all these athletes from every sport, and I'm so used to seeing them in uniform that it's such a TREAT to see these *high-performance-machine-people* all gussied up. 

But one phenomenon I see EVERY YEAR at the ESPYs is these GORGEOUS, BEAUTIFUL CHISELED BODIED WOMEN dressing for the red carpet like they are going to "The Club". 

I mean, how gorgeous is Sydney Leroux (above) ?

And I'm not talking about a really great club like *Avenue* or *Marquee* in NYC, i'm talking about a really skanky pick-up club like "The Dollar" in East Lansing.

WITNESS:

Kym Johnson - Dancer (not exotic)
oh mah gawd her body is SICK! We all know this. But damn girl, there are so many amazing pieces of clothing out there that would show off your hot curves and muscles, and be flattering, not just simply shocking, which I can only assume what she was going for here.

Nastia Liukin - Gymnast
 Nastia, i think that I wore this exact outfit to the Blue Martini in Birmingham in 2005, you are way cooler, more talented, and amazinger than this bar-star get up is portraying. I mean, get this girl in some Cushnie et Ochs! She'll have cutouts, straps, AND great cut and fabric to boot.

Sydney Leroux - Soccer player
oh lord jesus, i think i saw a stripper take this exact ensemble off the one time I went to Deja Vu. Did you SEE that photo of her at the top of this post from the Sports Illustrated Body Issue!? She is flawless perfection. This fringy, bandage-dress-ish atrocity is awful. How could she put this dress on and think, "Yep, this is the one I'm wearing. This is the dress I want to be photographed in." YUCK.

 Hannah Cornett - Surfer
I'm going to give her a bit of a pass, since in being a "surfer" her workwear is probably a bikini. Maybe this awful 3 inches of polyester jersey feels like a Nun's Habit to her. She's like, "Oh my god, I'm not used to my pelvic bones being covered up, I'm so damn modest!"
This dress is just the epitome of awful Windsor 19 year old dance club dressing. Vom. (-just like I did many a night coming home from Windsor when i was young, LOL)

So yeah, I know I'm hating so hard on these Laydeez, but I just love them, and I love what they do with their bodies, and the way they train, I feel like its almost a betrayal of these sculpted bods to put them in such cheap, tacky-looking garments. 
Contact Me Ladies! I will style the hell out of you, show as much skin as you want, but in gorgeous well made clothing. 

Monday, July 14, 2014

Jumpsuits... Just jump in? Or jump out the window?

The other day I saw this atrocity on Cameron Diaz and thought, "Yeah, forget jumpsuits. THIS IS NOT A GOOD LOOK."


But then I remembered how AMAZING Rosie Huntington-Whiteley looked in her Michael Kors:
This is a perfection I've been striving for.

There's a reason I wear dresses so often. ONE STEP DRESSING. But just think... If I had another option for my simple wardrobe miracle, how awesome would that be?

But alas, my long torso...
This vintage Pucci jumpsuit I tried on is SO KILLER! I would have done anything to make that werq, but the only solution would be to Shrink my body at least 7 inches. I did get it *onto* my shoulders here, and you can see my problem. How hilarious. Jenni & I were dying laughing.

But Rosie H-W is my height...! and these AMAZING 1960s models are surely on the taller side.
But boo hoo, they have the luxury of having garments cut to fit them. I do not. Wah wah.

I ended up finding this one:
I loved the bright coral color... But it was enormous on me, and the empire waist is not a silhouette for my body type. Also, as you can see, it was hitting me above the ankle bone... But still, with every find you get closer to your goal, right?

Then one day I struck gold and found this Yves Saint Laurent 1970s jumpsuit at my local Salvation Army:
Yeah, it was going for $6.99 or something ridiculously cheap like that. But oh, this jumpsuit was not comfortable. It was like getting the world's most powerful constant wedgie until I peeled this thing off.

But do not fear, dear readers, I shall continue the search. Ain't no mountain high enough:
Aint no valley low enough. How dope is this vintage Biba jumpsuit above: swoon-tastic

I know they make these things for tall women. I need to just call up Iman and straight up ask to borrow this:
Who doesn't look fantastic in bronze sequins?

It's just a perfect pulled together look,
and one day I'll find my jumpsuit soulmate. The one made just for me. Come hell or high water, it shall be dancing on the light of the sunset, running towards me with open arms... :-)

*FIN*

Saturday, July 12, 2014

What Would *_________* Do?

 So many decisions to make in life. Sometimes you need to call in some second opinions, since my constant companions are a 2 & a 6 year old (not that they aren't wise), I try to channels my idols in life and think *WHAT WOULD THEY DO*?

What Would Andy Warhol Do?
To be social, talking to everyone, being seen everywhere. Bent on creativity, but maybe not doing it in the purest means? As if the art is a ladder to climb? But despite that I love Andy's mind, I've read every book in print about him. He was one of a kind.

lesson from Andy: be yourself, no matter who you are, no matter what anyone thinks.

What Would Hunter S. Thompson Do?
I think it's just so hilarious how one of the most beautiful, poetic, perfect-metaphor-spouting writers of our time was this exceedingly hard living ticking time bomb of a man. It just backs up my thinking that all the great talents in our world can barely survive in it.
I've been thinking a lot of Hunter lately, especially in the end of his life. I just love everything he wrote and whatever role drugs & alcohol had in that, I'm not going to hold it against him.

Lesson from Hunter: Do everything you love as hard and as fast as you can. If you go down in a burning ball of flames... So be it.

What would Lidia Bastianich Do?
Cooking shows have always had an odd valium-like effect on me, especially "Lidia's Italy". I remember watching Lidia's show with my gramma and the seamless transition from English language to Italian and then back again soothed my soul to no end. In my mind Lidia stands for love and nurturing and you know that she had passion to fill the bellies of people that she cared about and then smother them with kisses and hugs forever.

Lesson from Lidia: Love your loves, cook for your loves, and love cooking for your loves

What Would 1970 Elizabeth Taylor Do?
 Tits out, Jewelry out, ery'thang out. There has been no one more fabulously self-assured in all the land than Elizabeth Taylor in 1970. She was then on her 5th marriage, Out-Of-This-World Famous, and basically had the world at her feet, ready to answer her every beck and call.

Lesson from Elizabeth: Even if you don't have everything that she had, ACT as though you are the most powerful woman in the world, and people WILL fall in line.

What would Ian MacKaye Do?
When I listen to Minor Threat, even today, my blood boils over with an intensity of pure ecstasy. His voice calling out all the truths oscillated at the exact same frequency of my brainwaves, allowing me to feel comfortable with the turmoil inside from age 15 up to this very day.

Lesson from Ian: Stand by your principles, Never back down from them. Be vocal about what you believe.

What Would Richard Avedon Do?
He found beauty in everything (just like all the other famous photographers), but he would spin subjects on their head, reveal things about them that we have never seen, and turn that epiphany into aesthetic joy. I just love the shot Richard did of Marilyn Monroe, where she just looks lost and helpless, it looks like the most true photo ever taken. But he was also able to recognize talent and harness the power of a girl named Dovima straight off the streets of New York. 

Lesson from Richard: Never stop looking for what you need. The subject of your dreams could be right in front of you, just like a drop of dew on a flower petal.

What would Kim Gordon Do?
Being a punk rock/alternative loving teen in the late 90s was awesome. But not as awesome if you looked like me. I remember going to shows and having more "Punk" looking show-goers say to my face "I HATE YOU, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE". I'd wear my variety jacket, I'd wear my tennis skirt, I did not give a fuck, but I didn't fit anyone's image of what girls in the scene were like back then. 
Then I discovered Kim Gordon of Sonic Youth. Not only was she a great musician & in an amazing band, but she just looked like a normal chick, LIKE ME! The moment I set eyes on Kim, i thought, "every asshole that has every harassed me can fuck off because Sonic Youth kicks ass and so do i."

Lesson from Kim: Don't force yourself to fulfill some image of what you think you should be. Just be yourself, do your talent, and keep going forward.

What Would Sylvia Plath Do?
A writer of some of the most beautiful collections of words I have ever read. I love you Sylvia, but she was tortured inside. Thank goodness she was able to stay afloat on the waves of mental instability for long enough to give us "Ariel" and "The Colossus", let alone "The Bell Jar" and her journals. She had so much talent to give humanity, just imagine what she could have created had she not ended things at her own hand.

Lesson from Sylvia: Channel your passions. Put all of your energy into what you do best. And hang on even when things look bleak.

Monday, July 7, 2014

We're all beautiful, so shut the fuck up.

I just read yesterday that the gorgeous model Robyn Lawley is the new face of retailer Mango's plus-sized line, called Violeta. 
 I quickly checked the Violeta website to see what size the garments sold there start at... US size 10.

But HEY! Robyn herself is a *highly documented* size 8!
I thought, that is really odd. So Robyn is modeling for a label that she can't really even technically wear. AND, she is featured in advertisements that are showing a person that is not the true size that represents the demographic the products are being sold to. Weird. 

So we could do the boring old, "What does Plus-Size mean?" discussion. Look at Robyn above, she's just a beautiful woman. She is the size of Her. Who gives a shit about anything else. 

Adele is a size 16, gorgeous. A seriously beautiful woman. 
But so much of the press about her is about her size. I am sooooo sick of this. Can't we just admire her talent and her unique gorgeousness. I think she looks like a painting!

Christina Hendricks: another lady that you can't google without some story talking about her weight.
She is SO FANTASTIC as Joan Holloway! So powerful, but you can't deny that she's got an Olympic Gold Medal winning bod there, but you know that there are women walking around right now with this physique thinking, "ah, i need to eat less. boo hoo." that is so messed up.

This Lady, Gwendoline Christie is 6'4'' tall & killin it in a size 12:
Damn, I can't even begin to think of how many lame questions she gets asked every day. I'm only 6' and EVERY SINGLE DAY someone is like, "so how tall ARE you?" fucking morons.

The sensationally seckzy Gemma Arterton in a size 10 dress in Cannes, saying that she can't find labels to dress her:
I mean, this argument I understand. When a clothing brand makes "samples" to have the models wear on the runway, they don't have the sample in EVERY SINGLE SIZE ON EARTH. So celebs, get off your ass and go to a store. Stop complaining about not fitting into samples. Spend cash on a piece of clothing that has been made into a whole range of sizes. Cheap skates. smh

Jennifer Lawrence, rocking out in a size 8 at the 2011 Academy Awards
I remember people attacking her size in this dress. omg, please, everyone shut the hell up. She looks like an Old Hollywood screen siren, and no one can argue that. perfection.

Jennifer Lopez has been known to agonize about her size 6 figure:
Oh yeah, poor you Jennifer Lopez, with a body that looks like a freaking statue. I will shed no tears for you. You can do everything: sing, dance, judge the super-lame American Idol, sell clothes, bang 26 year old guys, film a movie here and there...

Gisele in 2002 was walking the runway at a size 4, which was the *sample size* at the time.
Her body is out of control. She is just one of the grand winners of the genetic lottery.

BUT she is not MORE beautiful than Christina Hendricks. This is not a sliding scale of weight determining fantastic looks. All of these women have their own unique aesthetics to offer us at their own size. and I want to celebrate them all.

From what I understand the new Sample Size for runway is a size 2, like Joan Smalls:
I love Joan, not just because she tweets me... hahha. name drop. Her walk is INCREDIBLE. When I was really honing my own runway walk I watched tons of film of her on the catwalk. She just lights up anything she touches.

And then coming in at a size 0, we have the AMAZING Jamie Bochert:
She is a high fashion print ad ANGEL. She's doing the new Givenchy print campaign, she's done Lanvin, she is just incredible. I love her look as well. She's dramatic and proud.

So we've gone all the way from Size 16 to 0... With women at every size looking spectacular. Can we just shut up about all of these semantic labels and just be happy with who we are?

Sunday, July 6, 2014

Why 1960s TV is the best fashion school of all time

While I was on the treadmill today, there was this AWESOME show on CNN called "The Sixties". The episode I watched was entirely about the TV of the decade, something that I hold close to my heart. 

I loved Samantha on "Bewitched".

I watched 1960s TV endlessly when I was a teenager on "Nick at Nite".
I wanted to name my daughter Tabitha. hahha. seriously.

Beyond the amazing fashion, these shows were so happy. So light.
Serena dressed even better than Samantha.

There were these strong, smart, beautiful women characters. Like 99 on "Get Smart"

These women did everything well. Not only were they fabulous but they fought crimes...

99 was my idol. I thought I was perfect for international espionage after watching her.

I think that the optimism, the color, style and fun of these programs was a stark contrast to what was going on around me at the time. Yeah, they were stranded on "Gilligan's Island", but they were always having a good time!

 I wonder if this is why I have an obsession with acquiring all kinds of vintage clothing from this era.

Who wouldn't want to be like Goldie Hawn on Laugh-In?

Funny, cute, gorgeous, hilarious

Growing up in the country, Green Acres REALLY hit me in the feels.
 Yeah, Lisa Douglas was collecting eggs and climbing the telephone pole, but her hair was always done, cat-eye liner perfect as hell.

This is who I wanted to be in my hometown. I wanted to slice bread that I handmade in a frilly silky robe, full glam squad getting me ready forever.

Jeannie on "I dream of Jeannie" had AN AMAZING WARDROBE.

and I loved that despite anything she would do, "Master" still adored her.
 But who couldn't love this?

"Lost in Space" may have been my all-time favorite.
These coordinating geometric uniform things the family wore would give me goosebumps of PURE JOY.

 And they were such a loving family.
 Maybe I'll just buy a bunch of brightly colored vintage polyester and outfit my family this way. That would be so fantastic.