Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Beyonce: Queen of Terrible Street Style

Beyonce & Jay-Z were obviously at Coachella last weekend, and I kept seeing this photo posted with the headline, 
"QUEEN BEY! SHE CAN DO NO WRONG!"
 Sure I'm happy they are having a great time. But a T-shirt, with AWFUL ripped to shreds high-waisted brazilian-cut jean tap-pants, with black sheer underwear SHOWING, and hiking boots!? REALLY!? We think this looks good?

GAH! No! It's awful. It reminds me what another multi-billionaire fashion victim wears:
it's Britney, bitch

Granted, Yes, Beyonce is BEAUTIFUL. Yes, she is a WONDERFUL SINGER. But her personal style SUCKS.
 This "Locals" tank. No.
Additionally, I would like to remind everyone that she KNOWS she is going to be photographed in these things, so it's not just like with you and I, what we wear to fold laundry or whatever.

Honey, you are 32 years old, let's put the Lion/Giraffe/Cheetah hat away, preteens wear that.

I know, yes, she is trying to show off her amazing bod. WE GET IT, YOU HAVE AN AMAZING BOD. there are other ways to show it.

 By looking at a lot of her style choices, it looks like she's trying to riff off of Rihanna (whom I love), but Beyonce, you CANNOT pull this style off. Just let it go. Leave it to Ri-Ri.

Let's look at Rihanna for a second:
 This look above, is outrageous & insane, but she carries it amazingly. She is OWNING this look.

 This cazh look Rihanna's wearing looks like something Beyonce would try. But on Rihanna it looks relaxed, cool & natural. On Beyonce it would look forced.


 So back to Bey:
Dear Beyonce, stop wearing this crap that I think might be your attempt to look young & hip. Let's be real, even I wouldn't think about putting on this above look, and I wear some crazy shit.

Beyonce, No more "trendy" sweatshirts, and ill-planned crop tops.

Let's try this, Beyonce:
 This dress by Cushnie et Ochs STILL shows skin, STILL shows you have an amazing body, but it's modern and doesn't look like you are trying to look like a damn teenager.

 Beyonce, you want to wear booty shorts? FINE, but let's do it in a luxe, high fashion way, like this matching crop-set by The Blonds. I love this.
Or, lest we forget... You do not need to show your abdomen & whole entire ass every day, we know it's fantastic, don't worry. This dress by Mary Katrantzou is GORGEOUS, the beautiful delicate color and print are something that a grown-adult would wear, and would look wonderful on you. Trust.

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Why My Old Hair Sucked

I've now had short hair for enough time that people have started saying, 
"Are you going to grow it out again?"
"Oh, I miss your long hair."

But lest we forget the formidable demon that was my lengthy mane. 

My hair texture can be lovingly described as "Frizzy with a *SMACK* of curl", just like Nicky's on "Orange is the New Black"
 Can you run your fingers through this like in a romance novel? NO.

Let's also note the lovely curl patterns/cow-licks along the scalp line that cause the hair to *RISE LIKE A COTTON CANDY PHOENIX* around my face.

I'm sure lots of you are saying to yourselves, "I NEVER SAW YOUR HAIR LOOK LIKE THAT!"

YEAH, because I never LET YOU. I went through a THREE HOUR PROCESS, THREE TIMES A WEEK to keep myself from looking like this recovered junkie jailhouse lesbian.

The process started with a wash, because with this *Mass O Lion Capelli* to turn straw into gold you need a blank slate.

My hair is DRY AS HELL, dry as a Sahara Desert that happens to be in Hell.

  • So we start with Shampoo & Conditioner formulated for African-American hair, this stuff is fantastic.
Then Apply:
this

this

this

this
  • I swear, I was privately funding the Bumble and Bumble company


After that we've got to blow dry the hair kinda straight-ish:

  • If I let it dry naturally, we are back to Frizz City.
Then I had some choices... If it was nighttime, and I didn't want to heat-treat too much, because that causes my crappy hair to be in even worse shape, I would twist it into Little Buns or Bantu Knots, or whatever you want to call them.

  • This was my favorite, the twists gave a nice shiny natural curl/wave, and didn't damage.
RESULT:


If I was going somewhere fancy, instead of twists, I would curl it after blowdrying with a big curling iron and then pin the rolled curls to my hair to set, just like a Victoria's Secret angel.

  •  What I got with this is the big, seckzy, just rolled in the hay waves that we know these girls for.


RESULT:


OR, if I was feeling SUPER VINTAGEY, i would roll my hair after blow drying into Old School Pin-Curls, which my Gramma actually showed me how to do, just like she did in the 1940s...
  • A lot of times I would do this style at night before going to sleep too. If some of the pins fell out during the night, who cares, it just led to more of the imperfect sassy look I love. Also NO HEAT INVOLVED


RESULT:

And then no matter what style I chose to do, I would SHELLAC that HAIR-DO with this Hairspray within an inch of it's life:

After that just cross my fingers and hope that the style lasts a couple of days... that means,

  • NO SWIMMING
  • NO GOING OUT IN THE RAIN
  • NO WATER GUN FIGHTS
  • NO WRESTLING OF ALLIGATORS
It was a freaking cross to bear, that hair. I'm so glad it's gone.

Now I may look like this:
But this is FREEDOM. I just roll outta bed and "woke up like dis" FOR REAL. 

Plus, I just found this photo in a hairstylist's magazine so SOMEBODY thinks it's desirable! hahha. 

SO SCREW YOU IF YOU WANT ME TO GROW OUT MY HAIR unless you're willing to pay for a full glam squad and Xanax for me every single day of my life. 

Monday, April 21, 2014

My Top 10 Favorite Mad Men looks

I have been flipping the eff out about the fashion on this season, Season 7, of Mad Men. 

But there have been SO MANY great hits across the previous seasons. My GOD! Janie Bryant, the costume designer, is seriously the God/Jesus/Budda/Allah of all that is PERFECTION in clothing selection for this era. She has NEVER HAD A MISFIRE. everything is FLAWLESS. 

Shall we peruse some of my favies? In no particular order of course.

1. Betty Draper in Italy, Season 3
 My goodness this hair is so chic, remember how she goes and has it done, and then speaks perfect Italian, it's funny to remember the days when I didn't hate Betty.

2. Bobbie Barrett, in this ravishing red gown in Season 2
 Remember when she had that famous scene with Don, "DO WHAT I SAY". omg, i still use that phrase as often as possible, whether people get the reference or not. The draping and the sequins on this gown, so amazing. Pretty much all of Bobbie's costumes were really gorgeous super high fashion ensembles. I loved her character.

3. Don in Hawaii

Yeah, I could have picked Don in EVERY EPISODE, EVERY SEASON. because he always looks like a perfect stoic hunky Ken doll, but I just think it was such a twist to put him in a magenta paisley swim trunk. *slow clap* Janie Bryant. Well played.

 4. Jane Sterling
Jane was Roger's young hot 22 year old secretary turned wife, and she ALWAYS wore sweet get-ups. The collar on this dress is OUT OF CONTROL AWESOME. If I ever found anything like this vintaging, I would pass out and die (of love).

5. Joan Holloway's "Air France" dress, Season One.

I remember seeing this dress and screaming, "SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP I CAN'T HANDLE IT!!!" at the TV screen. Every episode during Season One I just kept pinching myself to keep reminding myself that this show was real, and not just my DREAM OF ALL DREAMS of fashion.

6. Megan Draper's "Zou Bisou Bisou" dress
Megan, you beauty. This is one of my all time favorite scenes from the entire run of the entire show. I wanted to be at this party in Don & Megan's mid-century-modern PALACE more than anything.

7. Joan's Purple Peter Pan Collar Pandemonium

I love Joan, this dress is SO SO GOOD. I can't wear that elbow length sleeve, so sad. Maybe because most regular long sleeved shirts hit me at elbow length. But this dress, with the belt (I love belts) the color and the open neckline with the Peter-Pan collar is so awesome.

8. Betty's Polka Dot dress, Season 2
I LOVE LOVE LOVE this dress. I remember seeing her put this on, and being like HELL YEAH! The colors, the fit is so good. The flared skirt is rad. I love the dual-tone sash belt. amaze.

9. Peggy Olson's plaid pantsuit, Season 6
 Plaid Vest & Flared Pants combo. POLY-ESTER. oh my swoony swoon. It's so good. I would wear this thing every single day for the rest of my life.

10. Roger Sterling, Season 6
Roger is so hilarious. And when he was on his LSD trip, which was just so great. Nothing needed to be worn, this is it, here he is, BOOM.

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

A Study of Contrasts aka my Obsession with Adidas Slides

Tomorrow, thank effing god, it's supposed to be warm again, hopefully for an EXTENDED AMOUNT OF TIME, JERK WEATHER!!
So I'm for sure going to be wearing my Adidas slides and socks, ooooh la la, the footwear love of my life. 
People give me SO MUCH CRAP about wearing these, but I don't care, i love love love them. I love the combo.
"Why wear the ugliest, not even real shoe, ever made?", they say.
Here I will tell you my reasons.
It's all about **CONTRAST**

OK, so look at this beautiful dress below...
I would wear the hell out of that dress, it's gorgeous. But I would it pair it with my Adidas slides, you know why? Because it tempers the sweetness of the confection of a day-dress that this is.

I don't want to wear a cute pair of heels with this dress, above. it's too predictable. it's too neat. When things are all the same, it's boring. There is no opportunity for interest.

We love Contrasts in life, just think about how amazing COLD ice cream tastes topped with HOT fudge. ermahgerd.

Or this below is a perfect example, this floral dress is so innocent and ladylike, but with the leather jacket and ombre hair, it turns the preciousness of the dress on it's head and makes the whole look cool and new and way awesomer.

I love the athletic leg warmer that Prada made into a HIGH FASHION catwalk accessory.

ScarJo is pulling a PERF-Y contrast here, dressing down the ornate primness of her gown with the messy/beachy hair. So pretty. So interesting.

RI RI!!!!! QUEEN of the Contrast. LEGIT MENS SUITING but with Hyper-Feminine Red Lips & Nails! Yesssssss!

Another one that I love to rock frequently, *men's oxford broadcloth* shirtdresses. The pristine business-like essential MALENESS of that material, but made into the most womanly garment. Love.

Another of my personal favie contrasts is the plain ol' T-shirt with a SUPER over-the-top Statement Necklace. 

I mean just think if Sour Patch Kids were JUST sour, or JUST sweet.
 MIX IT UP!!! MIX IT UP!!
Take every opposite and THROW IT TOGETHER!!