Wednesday, July 15, 2015

ESPYs 2015 Red Carpet Regatta of Ravishingness

 I was an NCAA top ten athlete back in the day, and so although I've dabbled in the modeling arts, I still first and foremost consider myself a SPORTY ACTION GAL.

The ESPYs cracks me up every year because these beautiful goddess-like denizens always show up in body-con dresses fit for Daytona Beach spring break.

When you're a Sports Star, don't you have access to good fashion? Or at least a stylist?

This year was a little different though; although we did see the horrid out-of-style-for-a-decade bandage dresses, we did see some Athletes looking FLY AS HELL!

Check it out:

Ciara (in Elie Saab) & Russell Wilson who apparently don't have sex
They are both genetic lottery winners, and them being together is almost too much to take. One of them should take it down a notch and disfigure themself so we don't feel so bad.
 I love a man in a suit that isn't grey, navy, black or brown... So high fives for going with this delicious aubergine color, Russell. Are they matching kind of? Like people do at Prom? Oh god, I'm just going to look away from that fact.

Marquette King in Party City
At least he didn't wear anything boring. When I show this to my son tomorrow he will declare Marquette BEST DRESSED. I'm very impressed with the junk-area airbrushing. LOL.
We've seen this before, people. He wants to be photographed. Mission Accomplished.

Danica Patrick in Rainforest Cafe wallpaper (actually Matthew Williamson)
To me this dress looks approximately 15 years out of style. She's a beautiful lady, I'd love to have seen her in something sleek and sexy, even a Roberto Cavalli print. But that's ok, because she can go to Costa Rica in this and slip through the underbrush like a ghost.

DeSean Jackson
I like how he's singlehandedly keeping the Manpri trend afloat. From the ankles up this looks like something my 70 year old neighbor would wear to brunch.
But really, I think DeSean looks good, and although I think I had a pair of similar shoes by Diesel in the 1990s, I think he's serving up his genuine self and that's just fine by me.

Ali Krieger
This gown is beautiful and modern and shows off her toned physique oh so well. Cheers, honey. The color is gorgeous on her skin too.

Amy Purdy
Oh my god! What a beauty and with TWO prosthetic legs! Wow, I love the "high heel shoe" prosthetic feet she's rocking. My goodness, way to exude confidence and love and happiness! She looks gorgeous too, i love this cute sparkly dress. and I have mad respect for her choice to celebrate her legs just the way they are. So great.

Justise Winslow
 Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm hunnay. I like this. Dapper, tailored to perfection, pop of color, french cuffs, he is *SLAM DUNKING* (see what I did there?) the fashion competition with this look. I'm sure it's tough to get a good fit when you're 6'6'', that's why god made alterations people and marvelous tailors.

Christen Press
 This lady is my best dressed of the evening. I love the simplicity of this gown and how it shapes and showcases her Athena-esque physique to perfection. We don't need to gild the lily when dressing an athletic body, it's beautiful in itself, so just put something on it that highlights the toned abs, and the strong leggies, like this!

Sports Illuminati, thank you for putting yourselves out there tonight fashion-wise and stepping out of your Adidas tracksuit (HEY THAT'S WHAT I'M WEARING RIGHT NOW!) for one night. You all looked marvelous!

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Youth in a Jar, Compact, or Push-Up Stick

I'm 35 now, and truth be told, I totally notice changes in the skin on my face.

My shit be DRY.
Sahara dry.

and dry skin looks old and wrinkly, like this:

So when my friend Audrey of the AMAZING COSMETICS BLOG "Cremes Come True" told me I should be using more CREME formulas of things, not POWDERS, I thought, "crap, I have exclusively been using powder blush, maybe cream blush will make me look like this:
"

So i took myself to Ulta. 

I ended up getting 2 products:

Stila Convertible Color in Petunia


and Tarte Cheek Stain in TRUE LOVE (100% because of the name, how can you not love)

I've always fancied myself as a kind of **Makeup Aficionado**, I can do the false lashes, I can fucking rock out a liquid cat-eye no problem... But HOLY HELL getting the hang of this creme blush is like CALC 4.

So when you apply it correctly it is supposed to look like this:
See, dewy... lovely... healthy and youthful....

But when I applied it to my own face, it looked something much more like this:
not quite the look I was going for.

I BRAVELY STAYED THE COURSE, and tried to wear the Stila Convertible Color to work even! Where a toothless patron complemented me on my "makeup" and when I went to the restroom later I realized I had a shiny glow across most of my face that looked like I had been mountaineering.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong! I'm a artist, PEOPLE!
I think it's just a medium that I'm unfamiliar with. I can get powder blush to hit and lay exactly like I want it. But this creme seems to have a mind of it's own.

I have been applying it with my finger like this:
But maybe I should try a brush?

I really want to make this work, because I want to have that YOUTHFUL SPRINGY GLOW we all yearn for! So if you have any tips or tricks let me know!

Thursday, June 4, 2015

The CFDA Awards according to me

The Council of Fashion Designers of America has an Awards Show every year and it's usually really good for red carpet voyeurism. 
This year, I don't know man. It seems that there is a movement to take away my joy. 

For example. The Critics Choice Awards red carpet this week was so boring that I couldn't find ONE SINGLE PICTURE to ogle and write about. What the hell is up with that. 

This is what we want our rich, beautiful people to do, WEAR SOMETHING GORGEOUS AND EXCITING, because we, the civilians, don't have the opportunity nor the cash to get Gala-ready in Couture. so STEP UP YOUR GAME EVERYONE. 

Here's Joseph Altuzarra and Liya Kebede in (obvi) Altuzarra:
Now, yes, this is a cool dress, and a cool design concept, the African-inspired beading harkening back to Liya's Ethiopian upbringing. But as a knee length shift, this is exactly the garment silhouette to make a BRIGHT FUN dress into a mind-numbingly *basic* dress. Sorry not Sorry.

Amanda Seyfried in Rodarte:
yeah, it's bright and colorful. And kind of delightfully 1980s.... But it just looks like it's constructed for a larger frame. Everything looks disproportionate. Amanda is 5'3'' and I'm sure this dress was cut for someone around the 5'10'' mark.

here's some people that did an OK job:

Josh Ostrovsky in his own clothes:
At least homeboy is showing some personality. The sheer tank really makes it for me. btw, if you don't know who he is, check his wikipedia page and the aliases are HILARIOUS.

My new girlfriend Jemima Kirke in Rosie Assoulin with Rosie Assoulin (the person):
Thank you for serving up un-shaved armpit, Jemima. I appreciate that.
Yes, I love Girls on HBO and I cannot lie. I just think Jemima (Jessa) is so beautiful and I love the brimming confidence that she brings to the table. She's like this original bohemian that is actually comfortable in her own skin and not just trying to pull off some Vanessa Hudgens-type pretend hippie shit.

The most intense actress ever Taraji P. Henson in Vera Wang:
Taraji wears clothes so well. She's just like, "I'm fucking awesome, so deal with it."

My biological father, Tom Ford, in Sears catalogue (jk jk jk jk):
I think that Tom Ford should stop wearing clothes and just roll up to events in a portable bathtub and carry out one of his four baths of the day in public. You know he would be looking poised, graceful, fabulous. it would be epic.

Alexander Wang with Anna Ewers in Alexander Wang:
I fucking died at these boots. I remember seeing Goth kids wearing them in the 90s I was always infinitely jealous. Anna is 22, she's probably like "Nine Inch WHAT???"
I think the dress is giving her a mammogram, which she is much too young for, but early detection is key.

Saturday, May 23, 2015

amfAR Gala - Fashion Fever Antipyretics

Confession Time:

I have a fever, and the only cure is more pretty ball gowns. 


So with the amfAR Gala happening last night in Cannes, I had to take notice. 
Yes, amfAR raises money to fund AIDS research. That is awesome. I guess they brought in over 3 million at the Cannes event, which is GREAT! YAY! 

But the fashion is what really caught my eye. 
Beautiful dresses that just take my breath away. The gowns that I wish I could wear while waltzing with Yul Brynner around some marble ballroom in Eastern Russia. 

Chanel Iman in Zuhair Murad Couture:
Doesn't she just look like a *DREAM VISION* !? The tone of the tulle perfectly matching her caramel skin, the flower petals like those of rice being scattered over a newly pronounced man and wife. It's just such beauty, beyond what we see on the Academy Awards or any of that awards show crap. This is the showcase of the glow of life.

Lily Donaldson in Saint Laurent:
Yes this gown is very simple, but it's elegant. There's just something about the cut of the bodice on her body that screams "PERFECTION". I'm never a fan of black dresses, but I love this one. It looks very Old School to me, it's not trying to be flashy, not trying to get attention, just gracing the lines of this statuesque human and making her look and feel her absolute best.

Dita Von Teese in Ulyana Sergeenko Couture:
Ulyana Sergeenko, in addition to being one of the most beautiful people in the world, is one of my favorite designers. I really adore how she keeps a lot of Russian heritage motifs alive in her clothing. The colors and embroidery and detail are always done in the most perfect way possible. Dita just radiates richness in this garment, and looks poised and ready to take on the world.

My favorite gown of the night was,
Kendall Jenner in Calvin Klein Collection:
 Can you believe it? I want to hate myself for loving her in this dress so much, but I can't lie. Kendall just looks gorgeous and I love the way the top contrasts with the skirt, and the fabric of the skirt dances around her.
 The color lights up her skin like moonstone, and she looks like she knows she's the best dressed person at the event. Her confidence is palpable.
 I'm sad about this, but I'm going to have to admit that Kendall is a star in her own right. I actually think she should distance herself from Kim and her sketchy Mom, and just forge ahead as a stand-up human with wonderful sartorial taste.

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Why do *Bitches Steal Each Others Looks* ?

Watching the Billboard Music Awards the other night, I noticed THREE outfits that I had seen on the Red Carpet for other Events. WHY GOD WHY?
If I, **Detroit-Area Fashion Icon**/ Mom, know by one glance that a look has been worn before, then their stylists must know for damn sure. 

Chrissy Teigan in Balmain for the Billboard Music Awards 2015....

In the SAME EXACT DRESS as Alessandra Ambrosio wore to the Latin Grammys LAST YEAR!
Is it like an ego thing? Did Chrissy & her Glam Squad just think that they were going to blow Alessandra out of the water, so to hell with all the side to side comparison photos that were bound to show up on the internet instantly after?

This one is a bit more confusing to me.
Taraji P. Henson, whom I adore, in this TRES COOL Alexandre Vauthier gown at the Billboard Music Awards...

That was just worn by Miley Cyrus at the Grammy Awards this very year of our Lord, 2015.
I actually like it better on Taraji, she looks gorgeous, but no matter what is going on in my life, or how beautiful the dress is, I REFUSE to wear anything that Miley Cyrus has been photographed in. I just think that's a pretty sound life mantra.

Lastly, Kendall Jenner in Balmain at the Billboard Music Awards...

I instantly thought, "OMG Gwen Stefani rocked that same blazer!"
Well, it's not exactly the same, but it is also Balmain, and she wore it THREE YEARS AGO at the American Music Awards 2012.

So why are these people doing this? I'm sure it's got something to do with "clicks" or "media savvy" or "fame" or something else that I don't understand. but as a person that loves clothing, I just would not want to be Second Banana in ANY outfit at a high profile event, EVER! No matter how awesome the gown/suit/whatever is. 
There's a trillion talented designers out there, and the whole field of current fashion and vintage to pick from! The possibilities are endless! Why be a Repeat?? 
What do you guys think?

Sunday, May 17, 2015

*Hashtag Totes Amaze* Fashions on the Cannes 2015 Red Carpet!

I've always wanted to go to the Cannes Film Festival. But honestly, who hasn't. That's like saying, "Hmmm, I've always wanted the Sun to Shine."

One thing about the Festival is that you get a lot of avant garde Red Carpet action, because of the Gold Medal Formula of it being:
  • warm
  • in France
  • having a lot of Euro Celebs
So our conventional Movie Stars seem to step up they game and dress:

Take my hand and walk this sartorial stroll with me:

Diane Kruger in Prada
Homegirl can dress. I always like the style of Diane, she's a celeb that I'd love to trade closets with. This prada is revealing without being garish, and ethereal without being fairy taley. The dove-gray color warms her skin, and the palettes bring the fancy. I adore it.


French film star Frederique Bel in Zuhair Murad
With the cheesy "naked" dresses being all the rage right now it's great to see a beautiful woman like this serve up some 1980s-meets-1920s-art-deco. The color blocking on this gown makes her perfect body look flawless, and it's such a simple yet striking color combination that we just haven't seen a lot of lately. This is like the "power dressing" of gowns.

Li BingBing in Zuhair Murad
Yes this is technically a "naked" dress, but it's more than that, it's got great silhouette and flattering detail like the double skirting on the back and the gorgeous belt. Also, it's not garish, her entire ass is not hanging out. and she doesn't have to worry about the world seeing her one pock of cellulite. it's very dreamy, like something one would wear when flitting about clouds twirling in the arms of their one true love.

and Fan BingBing in Marchesa
To answer your question: No, Fan and Li are not related.
I love this dress. It's very much like the looks one will see on the runway and possibly deem "unwearable in real life", but guess what, this lady is WEARING IT. It's kind of hippie, kind of late 60s early 70s, but then also kind of renaissancey. The flower crown is the perfect precious touch. I am into this gown, no one can argue that this look is not just SOOOOOO PRETTY! It's like what your 6 year old daughter would dress you in for your wedding day.

Lupita Nyong'o in Gucci
As a lifetime member of the Lupita Nyong'o fan club I fully endorse this jade-green confection. She's got such a way about her, and this dress just looks stunning, I can barely handle it. And then as if this wasn't all already enough, she twirls down the red carpet in it:
TWIRLS! How amazing is she!?
Love for life, and having fun and saying, "hey this dress is really awesome, i'm going to spin around in it and let it all flutter."
She is the best.

Naomi Watts in Elie Saab
I love love love love love love feathers. 
They have constant movement, and softness, and a translucent delicateness that just begs to be touched. So romantic. I wonder what this felt like to wear. It was probably like being hugged by a million happy kittens. 

and the Most Awesomest Award goes to Russian TV star Elena Lenina
I will never be a famous person, thank god, but I wonder what it is like psychologically to dress specifically to be photographed. I am not knocking her, but I just don't see the thrill in her eye of loving this look, it just looks like costume. I applaud whomever dressed her, she looks awesome; like the ghost of the Bride of Frankenstein. But I kind of understand, because her "just get photographed" approach works, the only way I learned her name was from her cray looks on the Cannes red carpet. So more power to you. Mission Accomplished.

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Rompers, Playsuits, Shorterall LOVE

I didn't want it to happen, but I've become a huge fan of the show "Girls" on HBO

 I am certainly not taking this as a pride-point... but so many of the convos and situations the "Girls" get into on the show reminds me of myself in my 20s.

I am falling in love with Hannah, Lena Dunham's character, despite the fact that Dunham kind of *hated on the women of Detroit* (we'll just assume she was in a bad place when she made that statement), annnd some of the more creepy insights I gained about her from her biography...
 But lest we not judge a person's work based on their actual human flaws, right?

So Hannah wore this AWESOME "Short-er-Alls" outfit on the last episode that I watched, and I was completely dying over it.
We in the fashion-world usually call these tops-connected-to-shorts "Playsuits" or "Rompers" which *my god* I love both of those terms, how freaking fun. 

But you cannot deny how awesome it would be to just throw on ONE PIECE of clothing, and be like BOOM I'M DONE DRESSING. It's like the Swiss Army Knife of summer garments. I want one!!
 and then I want to stick a chihuahua puppy in mine and let it fall asleep, like Hannah did, that was so damn cute.

So I've seen a couple of Rompers while vintage shopping, like this one:
I try to put the thing on and my torso is just too long!! MOTHER FUCKERS!

When I finally pull it over my shoulders I feel like I'm being given an Atomic Wedgie of Death:
and it's like TRULY painful.

Dammit. It's like the jumpsuit struggle all over again.

I think rompers of the sailor variety are the BEST:
 How totes amaze would this be to wear to the zoo. It's *just enough* costumey that I would only have to wear a captain's hat to look like I am coming from some "Love Boat" cosplay event.

This below playsuit I believe was the actual uniform for the Norwegian Cruise Line's waitresses in the 1980s:


And I love the *balls to the wall* pin-up-y-ness of this one with the Actual Sailor Anchor, fuck yes.
I would wear the hell out of all three of these.

So is there a brand that makes them in "Tall"?

Miranda Kerr is wearing a romper here:
She's 5'9''! Lady, can I borrow that? Thanks.

I just think these things make you look so effortless and put together. The question was posed the other day, "Am I too old for a romper?"

I don't think there's a cap on that.

Solange is slaying in this one, which I would love to have:
and she's 28. I love her style.

and Eva Mendes at 41 is rocking the socks off a Playsuit as well:
I'm a huge fan of the headscarf too.

So hopefully I can find one. Maybe even a modern one with this kind of louche fit:
How easy and cute and chic?
This one looks so comfortable while being stylish and a tad bit seckzy?

So I'm going to keep looking and if anyone gets a line on a tall person romper LET ME KNOW IMMEDIATELY!! muah muah!